Missing the Point

Sitting in the sun, feeling the yellow warm my freckled skin.

Right, but do you love me?



Eating a meal that teases my tingling tastes and delights me.

Well, that's all good, but do you love me?



Sitting on the bow of a boat, racing across deep blue wakes, wind whipping through my hair.

All good and everything, but... really... do you love me?



Laughing with a friend until my guts feel like they might bust.

Yep, that's super. I get it.  I have a question though.  Do you love me?



An hour in a hammock, reading a book that has me disappear into lands unknown.

Nice, truly.  I really dug that, I did.  Yet, do you love me?




Walking through the door to a burst of joyful "surprise!!!" and faces I adore.

Oh man, that was cool.  I'm not clear on something though.  Do you love me?




A walk through an art museum, intoxicated by the truth of others.

Nothing better, really.  I have a question though.  Do you love me?




Spending time with a friend, sharing, having real conversation, touching one another deeply.

Mmm. Yeah.... I see what you're saying. I hear you, I do. It's just....






Do you love me?

The Way I Want You To

I struggle.  angry. angsty because you don't do things
the way that I want you to.
You don't react to what I say or what I do or how I am
the way I want you to.

I get pissed off because in my mind, your words don't match your actions.
And mine is really the only version of life that matters, you see.
And so, therefore, I want you to act
the way I want you to.

Can't you see that I have an agenda
to create moments that have slipped into yesterday?
It's an important
undertaking.
And see, you are a character in my play, and it's important for me,
in order to experience life in my own particular desired way,

that you act

the way I want you to.


Listen, I can't imagine that you might have
a different way of seeing

or being
or thinking
or wanting
or loving
or needing
or growing
or expecting

than I do.  I'm sure that you want exactly what I do, exactly when I do.

See.

And that's why I want you to do things
exactly

the way I want you to.

Into View.

Lying next to my friend.
One who's been in the periphery of my life for as long as I can remember.
Wit and words dance as they always have
teasing me with what has always been, flirting with what
just might come into view.

I feel his hand brush across my hip, resting there
as we continue to talk.
Something new and soft.  Uncertain.
Creating a bridge for liquid honey to slide between
prickly
barbs of intellect and humor.

Bodies close.  Just enough space for heat to pass.
I loved the newness in that space enough to close it, pressing
my chest to his.
Like a curtain aloft, I could feel his life, his questions, his resignation
his desire.
My arms, my body, my mind surrounded him and watched the
lines in his furrowed brow dissolve
if only for a time        and
we talked, and felt, and shared.

Lying next to my friend.
One who's been in the periphery of my life for as long as I can remember.
Wit and words dance as they always have.
Soothing me with what has always been and what has come
into
view.

Listening

Listening
to
sounds.

Head cocked, stilling the canvas to hear
the sounds that give hint
to where I'm going
where I've been
who's been along for the ride.

sitting in heaps of pillow mountains
alone
feeling what is here
right
now.


What is here? Shhhh.


Feeling what was.
Where I was.
With whom.
The feel of the breeze that blew across my skin on that yellow day
alone in the grass.
The way touch felt
fingertips draping along my
white and naked skin
calling silent moans from a far away place.
Crack of thunder
whipping to my center reminding

me of

the sounds of metallic drumming music singing
in my ears
teasing my innocence with magnetic laughter
mocking
me from inside myself

titillation
in a garbage heap

Shhhh.

Sitting amidst white pillows
colored with present stillness
Thinking of what was.
Where I've been.

Listening
.

NFW

Sometimes there are just no fucking words.

Just feelings.
and I feels so damn deeply
and it hurts.

I want every single person I love
love
loved
ever

here.  in me. with me. near me. with me.
seeing me and loving me back.

now.

Sometimes there are no fucking words
and when I try to explain what is going on inside of me
I can't.
and I know I just end up sounding like a weepy, unstable mess.

It is messy.
and it's beautiful.
and it's fucking what I do
and how I feel life.

It's how I love
and how I need
and what I use
to color the day to day moment to moment.

Sometimes there are just no fucking words.

Air Drag

I'm impossible.  Honestly. Seriously. Incredibly. impossible.

I don't transition well emotionally.
This hurts, and it hurts even more because I know I'm the only one it hurts for.


I've noticed that some can move on to the next thing with slippery, effortless ease

the next day
the next event
the next person
the next conversation
the next view

I watch this skill with awe and admiration.

I turn my back and look over my shoulder
watching whatever it is that I am already
longing for.

get smaller
and smaller
and


I know that I'm physically removed from the place, the person, the...
but like a comet's tail
it clings to me and I to it, feeling it
drag on the air and keep me from slipping into the fast lane.

I feel the thing that is no longer here while seeing something completely new.
My heart has no idea what to do.

Luckily, I have been through this tunnel before and I happen to know that regardless of how entrenched I try to dig my heels in the clay of time's movement

I will come out the other side
just fine.

Lies

Don't lean on me.
I have nothing to offer.

Your opinion of me makes me crazy
and I'm just not what you see.
Stop making me feel like I might be wrong
about myself.

I have nothing to offer.

Ya see, I'm just not good enough,
and when you look at me with those eyes
that say I'm something...
Well, it makes me want to prove to you
that I'm not.

See, I have nothing to give
despite what you see.

You say you admire my talent,
but I know it's nothing special.
You want to hear my words, but you're simply
deluded.
You compliment my interests, but they
ain't all that special.

See, I know what you clearly don't.

I'm nothing special.

Orange Blossom Sound

Sliding through orange blossom sound
tickling baby pink skin
the sounds, colors that have no names
sneaking through the barriers that hold me together
my outsides, just an illusion

Your language, a dynamic textured tapestry
sounds that I never would have considered

I am learning it.

Show me things I haven't seen
Sing me songs that I have never heard
Touch the places I didn't know were there

Soothe my tongue with starry syrup
and stir my forever
with
yours.

Things

There are things in this life
Things that bring so much stimulation and joy
things that make my mind bigger and the edges move further out

There are things that surprise me
And make me wonder
Things that have me track my eyes back to see if I can see where it started

There are things that hook themselves into me
and I know that even if the thing itself goes away
it will never be unhooked

There are things.