Saturday, April 09, 2005

April 9th

Joy. Sacred. balloons and flowers and sunshine and laughter and



The delicious languid pain
of needing what is not clear
i feel it now. right now.
i feel you and want you and need you and desire for nothing more than you.
how is it that it was you who left my life. my sight. my touch. my life. my life. my life.
it hurts.
i miss you with every day that comes. every delight i have. every love i know.
it hurts.
it will always hurt. won't it.
it was this day long ago. a second ago.
our souls burst into two from a messy, meshy, mass of one. of you.
and we danced together for a minute. was it only a minute? or a lifetime. or inside out moments that equal nothing. and everything.
it hurts.
and i miss you.


Are you there, in Neverland?
just beyond a veil that in my hardened earth mind
I cannot see?
Are you there, in Neverland?
can you feel my breathe my heartbeat my every tiny pore
in neverland?
Are the stars the same there
The chill of night and warmth of yellow
Do children cry and laugh and run
do you see me
Are you there, in Neverland?
with fairy dust and eyes squinched tight
with wish and heart to burst
Are you there, in Neverland?

Monday, March 28, 2005


in 2 days i have a biopsy on a tiny spot in my right breast. it's interesting to observe how i have, or haven't dealt with it at all. i've known about it since the middle of january. one thing after another has put it off, and it's finally here. the moment the appointment was made i felt fear. fear of the procedure, and fear of what could be. is it possible that I could have breast cancer too? Is cancer that insidious in my family? I've always thought I'd be the one to escape without it.... and perhaps I have. I feel a part of me preparing to deflate. How will I feel if I'm told that I have it? numb. scared. aha. see? i don't know. i haven't, in general, taken good care of my body. or my spirit i guess. do i get on my proverbial knees and pray now? beg? promise that I'll be good if I escape this? No. just be in the moment. Two more days.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


So, it is my 13th day being a stay at home housewife. I don't like it. I also don't like that the magic perfect job fairy hasn't visited me and provided me a fulfilling and meaningful position of employment. Thing is, by nature, I'm a bit on the lazy side. Really. I have never been that person who is just inherantly motivated to get going, get moving, get cleaning, get calling, get running, get .... well.... any of that. I like to sludge along in the morning, make some coffee, watch the View and finally get my tail out the door to do something, by noon. This pattern does not an employee make. So, I intersperse my shopping and tv watching with bed making, laundry doing and counter wiping. Yeah. Exciting for exactly 3 days and 20 minutes. It's time to light the pilot light and change gear, if even a little bit. Perhaps shoot for getting out of the house by 8:30, go work out, get my drivers license changed, get the marriage license, change my name to Leon, send my resume out. Pavement? Here I come'a poundin. Well, I know me, and perhaps I could get that stuff done in a weeks time. So, while I'm sitting on the couch watching daytime tv, i get guilted by all of the commercials. You know the ones. You too can be a dental technician. Get free financing for chef school. Are you in financial trouble? Call me!!! Oy. Nothin like those blips between talk shows to make you feel like a 3 toed sloth. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I mean, I DID just move across the country two and a half weeks ago. No one is hounding me (except my fathers incessant tone forever emblazoned in my brain). But, I'm getting bored. That might be just the fire I need under my butt. Boredom.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


Feeling still. A question i heard today: if your life would never change from this moment, how would you feel? what would you have to work on to be at peace with it? I would have to work on acceptance. Acceptance of my body, of my relationships, of other people's choices.

I'm in this quiet house, slowly becoming my home. It is the beginning of my third week here in Las Vegas. I am loving living in a house, and I am loving living with Eric who has become my husband. What a wonderful place to be. I have been internally hard on myself for not getting up, getting everything done immediately, finding a good paying job, etc. It is clear that there are things for me to work on. This time is an opportunity for me to grow, take risks, look honestly at myself and my choices. Perhaps I could stand to stop berating myself and just move forward as the road presents itself.