I Wouldn't.

Sometimes feelings are so big.

Making us think that there is nothing else

and nowhere

and no one.....

else.

Just the one thing

from where the feeling comes.

So big that it fills out all of my edges

and nooks and crannies.

It's warmth oozing in every space...

that for now...

it's all I see.

All I want to see.

Feelings, tempting me to keep my eyes

focused only on

it.

Such a delicious

languid

yummy

thing.

Knowing that feelings and moments and certain kinds of joys

are not forever

but are just for special

secret

magical

moments

Brings me joy.

and

Brings me sorrow

all at the same time.

If you knew that your yummy, delicious, precious, languid, amazing moment

were just for a little while,

and that losing it would bring pain

would you forgo the joy it brings?

I wouldn't.

Under Your Hands

Under your hands

My mind frozen in helpless pause,

my body turned to golden clay

under your knowing touch.

Under your hands

My soul breaks opens to a million glittering sparkles

as I anticipate the magic

that might tread upon my skin.

Under your hands

My breath awaits your consult

and holds

and releases

according to the dance that you choreograph.

Out of nowhere. And everywhere.

Under your hands

Time simply

stands

still

and I feel nothing

but

bliss.

My Love.

There you are

again.

I love you like a leaf greets the morning's dew

with joy,

expectation, and

gratitude.

With breathtaking relief after the dryness of a day's sun and the darkness of night, you come with the breaking of the yellow sun.

Our love.

I could not have written it

or found it

or sought it

on my own.

Perhaps it comes from a far away, forever sort of place.

People look at it through opened windows,

and smile, thinking,

They have a good thing. Seems nice. Seems real.

Honestly, they have no idea, do they......

Our love does not include some of the same tethers

or requirements, shoulds or possessiveness that our world has written as rules .

We trust one another to be exactly who we need to be.

I watch you dive into your world from the sidelines, knowing you are loving what I cannot love. You let me run and laugh and be, knowing I am loving what you cannot love.

And at night, after our days

of often independent lives,

We lie together

and

love.

I am ever

so

grateful

for

you

.

Glitter

There's something about you.

You're a l i v e

Even though I can see so clearly that sometimes you yearn to feel that way yourself.

about yourself.

I see

What you project to the world...

Your accomplishments

Your bravado

Your talent

Your articulate expression

Your brilliance

And yet

You cannot hide

A yearning for unfathomable love

Pain of loss and disappointment

Wanting

love

Your unquenchable desire to be

c o m p l e t e l y

immersed

in

alive

.

in

love

.

And so, you live

Alive.

So beautifully.

You give and give and give and give and give

determined that others

will feel the love you know is possible.

exactly what you yearn

for

deep

within the most

secret place

in

you.

Where there are no

muscles

tattoos

performances

adoring fans

reaching hands

requests for your talents

parties

music

to

drown

out

the

awareness

that no matter how hard you try to get away from it

No one can really get in.

And yet,

within the angst and hurt and wanting

I wonder if you know just how amazingly beautiful you are.

Right there with

the

yearning

is the most spectacular

radiant

amazing

glittering

beauty.

And you know all that love that you want

so

badly?

It

lives

right

there

in

you.

Ache

How may ways do you hide the ache that you feel?

Could I even count the ways that I hide mine?

Could I describe the shame that I feel, despite knowing that you feel it to.

Sometimes.

The human condition.

The lies we create

The stories we write about what is.

Why do we do it when we know it is not true?

Is it part of this crazy game? Do we sign up for it so we can get beyond it?

So

unbelievably

exhausting.

Sometimes I am so thankful for the tools I have been given.

My smile.

My intellect.

The way I can make people feel safe and warm.

My articulate communication.

Ahh, thank God they can't see beyond it.

Unless they get really, really close.

They think I've got my shit together.

She's so thoughtful...

spiritual....

together....

insightful....

talented....

gifted...

friendly....

grounded....

centered.....

I wear this colorful dress, flash my smile, say something meaningful

and they can't see that I'm also

Frightened....

lonely....

questioning...

hurting...

hungry....

anxious...

ashamed...

embarrassed...

confused...

The human condition.

We all struggle with these feelings and

yet we are sure we're the only one.

Somehow we're different and not as good.

We believe the irrational story that there is something

inexorably wrong with who we are.

and

every

one

else

has

something

that

I

don't

have.

So, I know that this is bullshit.

And sometimes

the grey

seems

so

f'ing

real.

Might that I see with clarity that it is only a veil

that I have

more than enough

power

to

make

disappear.

Might I have the courage to know that you do too.

Breathe.

Try

What do you become attached to?

What do you experience and need to have, again and again and again?

And then

When it is

gone,

You feel that ache.

The one that starts in your insides

deep

inside

and spreads outward, covering and entering every part of you..

It feels like everything that has ever brought you joy

has left you...

you are alone...

and you are not the you that you used to know, and love

anymore.

Even though it's a complete and utter lie.

Your everything tells you it's true.

It's difficult to not believe.

It's

important

to

try.

Reminder to a Friend

Nothing
Can ever have
more
strength than
you
have.

Nothing can change
the beautiful essence
that makes
you,
you.

If the darkness falls
and threatens you...
lies to you...
entices you to
believe
that you are less
that the
bright
luminous
clear
amazing
truth

that you are....

remind yourself that
those are the voices
of
deceit

and that their whispers
are simply
a distortion
a misundertanding
a lack of vision.

Do not listen.

You are joy.
Your essence is well.

Nothing
can
ever
change
that.

School Daze

Inside

where

the air is musty

and

grey

Concrete walls shelter

me from

whatever lies

underneath

the

forever

sky.

For too long.

I am a robot.

Feeling like a follower

listening

writing

doing.

When all I want to do is

to be

free

Where walls cannot

imprison

me.

The sound of the end of the day

rings like a siren in my

ears

calling me to

my

day's true

desire.

My feet take flight

and I soar into

the

yellow

brightness

of the

afternoon

sun.

Freedom

at

last

.

Show Me

(My cousin, Juan Carlos asked me to write something to inspire him to put his sculpture portfolio on line.)

Show me
you.

Show me how the passion in your soul
your core
your self
dances with bronze and concrete and form and shape

Show me how your
very own
unique
brand of
brilliance

has created power and thought and joy and angst and wonder

through the mediums
given forth by the earth.

Show me the song that is sung
only by you;
music that runs from your soul through your mind through your hands

into form.

Show me
you.

Boxes.

I haven't written in awhile.

I'm not really sure why.

Probably the same reason why I haven't painted, haven't written letters by hand, haven't made sure I work out, and the reason my socks go missing after I know I put them both in the wash. Ok, maybe not that reason.

I miss writing.

Sometimes I put pressure on myself to write in the same form that I tend to. You know, that sort of poetry, sort of not, lists of words, artistic use of punctuation way.

And, If I don't, I won't publish it.

I don't want to dissapoint anyone.

I don't want to dissapoint myself.

Why should I feel this kind of pressure?

It makes me think about the boxes that we put ourselves in...

boxes that we put others in.

Boxes we put ourselves in because we think others want us in them.

I like to think that I don't do that. Put people in boxes.

Yet, I know I do.

Look, I'm putting myself in one. This box about writing, and knowing that people might read it, and thinking, "What if they don't like it or What if they wish it was like the others, or..."

I know that I do that with other areas of my life too.

Sometimes I have feelings or desires or philosophies that I don't make known.

Don't speak aloud.

Don't show.

Because I have projected onto those I care about a box I believe I am supposed to live in.

I am supposed to look "normal".

I am supposed to fit well into mainstream society but have just enough gumption to challenge people while not making them uncomfortable.

I am supposed to be pretty, but just overweight enough to make me accessible and easily understood by the average joe.

I am supposed to be talented, but not do so much with it that I come across as arrogant.

I am supposed to make it clear that I don't hold the right wing position on things, but I am to keep my real, passionate thoughts to myself so I don't hurt the tender sensitivities of people I care about.

Supposed to.

Supposed to.

Supposed to.

Supposed to.

No one ever told me that I was supposed to be these things. Why is it that I think that others feel this way?

Maybe they do. Maybe they don't.

Does it matter?

Is this affliction with worrying about whether people will continue to hold me in high esteem,

continue to love me, continue to respect me....

Just mine?

What am I sacrificing by editing the expression of myself?

What do I lose

When

I

consent

to

live

in

a

box

?