Tuesday, August 22, 2006


there is love in the midst of every moment,
every disaster,
every conflict.
between the cracks of hate, you can find love.

a hand offered, a bed given, a meal, an embrace, the forgiveness of petty anger,
in seeing the big picture,
in experiencing oneness.

what is going on in the world right now is a mirror. the flipside of love.
showing that on this planet we are the same.
the same challenges, the same struggle. the same humanity.
the same desperation. the same anger. the same want.
the same harried attempt to feel that we have some guage of truth.

it is the darkside of what makes us beautiful.

love lives is in the space around me.
Love cannot be mandated.
It springs up organically when the facade is destroyed.
when the waves sweep ones world to the sea.
when the majestic creation is turned to rubble.
when one's desperate need to be right gives screams out in violence to make it's point.

in the still small spaces of the canvas of those drastic paintings are the places where love can take root.
When you can see another and see not a different person, but your brother. Your sister.
Made of the same stuff as you.
The same hurts.

Same stuff. Different labels.

What is going on in the world is hard to watch.
Hard to know that people are hurt and suffering and abandoned and alone and in pain.
In those moments
someone is reaching them
and the love that underlies all humanity is born.


Wednesday, August 16, 2006


i don't like guns.
i think they are part of the problem.

i believe that everything has an energy which effects the world.
i don't like the energy of guns.

they are created only for hurting.

you might say for protecting.
protecting with violence.
with bloodshed.
with ripped flesh.
protecting with hate.

I can't accept it.
i can't.
I don't want it near me.

I believe that the energy I put out attracts back to me.

I put out love.
I do not put out violence.
I do not expect violence.
I expect love.

From there, I have to trust.

Should I be in a situation where I might find a gun handy, then so be it.
I face it. However I can. The best I can.

There are too many factors.
Too many directions.
Too many unknowns.
Too many......

call me naive.
I call myself protected.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Peep's Words

I have, as long as I can remember, had an issue with my weight.
Well, since I was 9.
It's the first memory I have related to my body image.

I remember that I was walking with my mom and my dad's father.
Peep was what everyone called him.
Anyway, we were walking in one of the parking lots in the apartment complext that Peep lived in. It was evening and there was a light snow. My mom said that she was cold.
I proudly responded that I was not cold.

To which Peep stated something that, as benign as it was intended, influenced the course of my life.
He said, "That's because you are fat."

It had never occurred to me that I was fat before that. In fact, I don't think I had ever had much awareness of a body image.
But there it was.
A statement of fact that I soaked up like a sponge in warm water.
Truth be told, I wasn't fat. I was an average 9 year old.
That all changed soon.

After my mom died when i was 10, I did indeed begin to put on weight. Not enormous amounts, but noticable. Mom died during 4th grade, and I remember my 5th grade school picture.
Round face.
Bad bowl haircut. (Could this be where my deep belief that if i'm fat then i have to have long hair came from??)

Since that time, my weight has vascilated between the heavy side of average, and the more socially acceptable side of overweight. With some pushes toward heavier than that.

I have lost between 20-35 lbs several times. The first time I lost 25 lbs in response to grief. I had recently broken up with my longtime boyfriend and (wisely) responded by working out 5 days a week. Once the grief wore off, so did the consistent exercise.

The second time, I lost with the aid of some brand of ephedra. You know. Ma Huang. Since been made illegal in some states. Effective, while giving you the sensation that you just drank Juan Valdez' entire stash. I lost 20 lbs that time.

The third time, I lost 30 lbs doing Atkins. I really liked this way of eating. Amazing what no sugar and lots of cheese can do. Go figure. I felt great, had the support and eating companionship of my boyfriend, and looked pretty good.

The fourth time I lost 35 lbs, doing Weight Watchers. It works. Until you stop doing it. But, that's the case with everything right? Start replacing celery with ding dongs and you're going to get a different result.

Now, at the low metabolic age of 39, I have begun low carbing again. When I think back, I feel like i responded best to this way of eating. However, I began over 3 weeks ago and have not had the dramatic response that I remember.

I began officially on July 5, 2006, and today, on Aug. 1, I have lost 6 lbs. That's not a lot considering the low-carb diet guru's tout that you ought to lose 8-13 lbs in your first 2 weeks.
I have been following the general direction of the Southbeach Diet. Me thinketh, however, that I was eating too many nuts and cream during this time. After the 3 week mark, I decided I should add in a little fruit. I'm up 1 lb since then. Ugh.

I know that I need to think of this as a long term deal. Perhaps the daily weighing is a disservice to myself. So, this will be a year long journey of discovering what works, and where I'll go with it.

I believe that no matter how many times one says that they are changing their thoughts to change their lives, if their lives haven't changed, then neither have their thoughts.
This applies to me well in this situation.

As I work on looking for the best way to fuel and love my body, I will also work on letting go of Peep's words.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Hoff

Life is so heavy.
Also hilarious.

I'm sure you've noticed the recent resurge in popularity of the ever loved in Germany, David Hasselhoff.
The Hoff
as he likes to be called.

Is he funny? Well, no.
Talented? Depends on your country of origin.
Handsome? Um, in a spray on tan, nip/tuck, trying too hard sort of way.... sure. I guess.


Oh my yes.

I am quite sure that he doesn't try to be amusing in the way that he is. We all remember him from Baywatch. Well, I didn't watch it honestly, but I know that show, and the ever so serious and mysterious Night Rider, are where he draws his original fame.
Could be there is more that I'm unaware of. I do not claim to be a Hoff-o-phile. My respect and complete confusion to those of you who are.

Have you seen this guy on the newly acclaimed, filling the gap for real television entertainment during the summer, show 'America's got talent'?


Really. that's all i have to say.

Please check out this link and read the blog called, "Don't Hassle the Hoff". You'll take a wander through the long and admirable career and wardrobe of the Hoff.

Get a kleenex.
You'll likely cry - either from horror or hysteria. For me it was the latter.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006


People stand on righteous pedestals and proclaim truth.

about morality.
about God.
about choices.
about musts.

It is so!
Believe or be damned!
This is the truth!
Accept this or you're....


This is done from many a platform.
It's done from the pulpit, the news reel, the theater, the literary masterpiece,
the cave in a desert.

Thing is.

When we shout our particular understanding of "truth", we forget that it is a a joyful and divine privilege to be able to come up with and create a theory of our own.
To look within, put the pieces together and come to an understanding that makes sense to us.
We forget that to share these understandings with the world is a gift.

These things are gifts. for everyone.

There truly is no way to know for sure if what we proclaim is true for anyone, let alone everyone. absolutely.
We can feel it overwhelmingly. Know it in our spirits. Our hearts.
We can claim our understanding, and our experience.

Then we give it.


Take this. See if it works for you.
Feel this and guage whether it feels right.
Take it if you like it. If not,

When you give a toaster to a bride at her bridal shower, do you tell her that she had better use this toaster for all time or she will burn in hell?
Do you tell the new mother that if she fails to embrace this bouncy seat that she will have to accept the inevitable consequence of having her home destroyed by rockets?
On your best friend's birthday, do you demand that she love your gift or you will reject her?

Probably not.

As people, all we have to give are gifts.
Anything else is an illusion created to make us feel safer in our own minds.
To assure to ourselves that we, indeed, are right.

Certainly I have given my "gifts" with a heavy demanding hand.
Certainly so have you.

If Life is showing me anything right now, it's that all of us could stand to look at how we give.
Of ourselves. Of what we "know". What we believe. What we long to share with the world.

With a fist and a scowl?
With a voice of condemnation?
With a demand?

Or with an open hand.
And no expectation.

I've always thought gifts were nice.

I offer these thoughts to you.
Take them.
Or not.