Sunday, April 11, 2010

Ache

How may ways do you hide the ache that you feel?

Could I even count the ways that I hide mine?
Could I describe the shame that I feel, despite knowing that you feel it to.

Sometimes.

The human condition.

The lies we create
The stories we write about what is.

Why do we do it when we know it is not true?

Is it part of this crazy game? Do we sign up for it so we can get beyond it?

So
unbelievably
exhausting.

Sometimes I am so thankful for the tools I have been given.

My smile.
My intellect.
The way I can make people feel safe and warm.
My articulate communication.

Ahh, thank God they can't see beyond it.

Unless they get really, really close.

They think I've got my shit together.

She's so thoughtful...
spiritual....
together....
insightful....
talented....
gifted...
friendly....
grounded....
centered.....

I wear this colorful dress, flash my smile, say something meaningful
and they can't see that I'm also

Frightened....
lonely....
questioning...
hurting...
hungry....
anxious...
ashamed...
embarrassed...
confused...


The human condition.

We all struggle with these feelings and
yet we are sure we're the only one.

Somehow we're different and not as good.
We believe the irrational story that there is something
inexorably wrong with who we are.

and
every
one
else
has
something
that
I
don't
have.

So, I know that this is bullshit.

And sometimes
the grey
seems
so
f'ing
real.

Might that I see with clarity that it is only a veil
that I have
more than enough
power
to
make
disappear.

Might I have the courage to know that you do too.

Breathe.



Saturday, April 03, 2010

Try

What do you become attached to?

What do you experience and need to have, again and again and again?
And then
When it is

gone,


You feel that ache.
The one that starts in your insides
deep
inside
and spreads outward, covering and entering every part of you..
It feels like everything that has ever brought you joy
has left you...
you are alone...
and you are not the you that you used to know, and love
anymore.

Even though it's a complete and utter lie.

Your everything tells you it's true.

It's difficult to not believe.

It's
important
to
try.