Sunday, April 24, 2011

Won't Listen

Goodbye hurts for me.

Clearly, the anticipation of goodbye
hurts for me.

My mind is aware that everything always works out just fine,
but there is a more powerful part of me that simply out and out refuses to
buy it.

My mind can look back at all the years I've traveled
and know
that goodbye doesn't truly hurt; for there have been many, many goodbyes on those roads.

Nothing bad happens.

Life moves on, and lots and lots of beauty happens.
Laughs, Joys, New People, New Places, New Thoughts that bring it all into crystal clear focus.

But that other part of me
wants life to stop

stand still
cease its forward motion
and just
let me stay
in the picture that my heart thinks it might just want to stay in


But the picture never stays... does it.
It is an ever shifting


mass of colors and people and places and events and experiences and and and and...

And my mind knows that it is good that life forever unfolds
that way.

But there is a place in my heart




Thursday, April 21, 2011

Just Fine.

My heart hurts.

I am on the precipice of a big change. Change of place. Change of people. Change of Circumstance.

It feels so permanent, so .... different. As if the sweet, soft cotton that surrounds my heart will be ripped away to expose raw, unprotected flesh.

My heart, the one that is a young and impressionable girl...
the one that weeps, feeling alone...
the one that desperately tries to cling to people and places in certainty that if she holds tight enough
they will never, ever leave..

She is hurting.
She doesn't want to lose what she has.
She feels that she will most certainly be hurdled into a dark abyss


I know, in my mind, that none of this is true.

None of this is true.
None of this is true.
None of this is true.

It has never been true before, and I have felt this very way
many times.

Times when I have been left by someone I love. Times when the rug was pulled out from under my unsuspecting feet. Times when the page was turned without my consent. Times when a player in the script of my life was eliminated from the play in a breath of smoke--

and like a child who did a belly flop into still, glassy water -- the breath in my being
sucked out. Fast.

There have been times when I have felt that I was
Left sitting in the tire tracks of someone that I thought was the key to my very existence.
Holding my bloodied, wounded heart in my own hands
Completely unaware how to put it back together.
Darkness covering the sun, who's warmth I was denied, for what felt like


Yet, in every case,
the sun came out again.

Yellow. Warm. Life-giving. All-encompassing. Joy singing.


Silly girl...
The sun was never hidden for even one moment but for your own hands before your eyes.

Silly girl...
The love you have felt can never leave you, but for your own insistence of separation.

Silly girl...
The life you were promised always sits just before you, a road to the next beautiful, amazing thing just a footstep away from where you are.

Silly girl...
You are never, ever alone, not even for an instant.

And everything


Is going to be...