Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Rough (morose)

i am a flippin emotional sponge.
a person i barely know,
but who's blog i read recently
lost a friend.
i'm not positive, but this person i know can't be over 30.
she is a brilliant, funny, irreverant writer and
i find myself at her writing daily.
She writes about her kids,
life,
stupid people,
the gamut.
Recently she has been writing about a friend who died.
Her friend was a mother.
Sounds like she was funny, sharp and kind.
she was also an addict.
The person I barely know
wrote of how it was hard to see her friend
spiral
out of control.
How she longed for some way to connect, to effect, to inspire
her friend to change.
She didn't.
A week or so ago she died.
Alcohol and perscriptions.
lethal.
I didn't know this woman. Why should I care?
I don't know.
maybe it's my unbearably annoying empathy
which really
cramps my fun loving style sometimes.
Thing is.
people are in pain. hurting. dying. crying. desparate. alone.
Whether they are the ones causing it, or the ones watching it.
It's going on
and it breaks my heart.
and yet, I'm perplexed.
while all of this pain and crap is going on right now...
Joy is also happening.
right now, I don't feel it, but I know somewhere... it is.
Every fucking thing possible
is happening right now.
How dizzying is that?
Just venting.
Feeling for this woman I barely know.
for the people who loved the woman I didn't know.
For all of us.
Cuz life....
its shit and pain....
despite the joys....
Will spare
not
a
one
of
us.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Life Lesson #476 Repeated. Again.

i am struggling with the reluctance to really face things that
are uncomfortable to face.
namely the responsibility that i have when i am feeling out of sorts.
discord.
angst.
upset.
still... though i know much.....
i show up in a day knowing very little about
how to be clear emotionally.

Feeling like making someone else responsible
for my state
of emotion
panic
sadness.
Wanting to flail.

There is a still small voice
reminding me of what i know.
what i claim.
what i say.
There is only me at this control panel.
It is glorious choice
that has me feeling
whatever way I am feeling.

If I am feeling sad
or mistreated
or maligned
or grumpy
for frumpled
or irate.

It is only me that ordered that plate.

And what is on the plate?

Sometimes so hard to swallow.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Dance.

thoughts.

running through. seeking a place. bounding
past where i might be able to
see
feel
understand
control them.

newness.
a dance riding on a wave of never
before experienced
like
a belly laugh coming from
a place unexpected.

knowing that
riding on a burst of delighted moving air
can
never
sustain
throughout
the mundane series of days.

but
knowing

things like this
are rare punctuations in rote
real
concrete
obligation
expected.

I am grateful. for fun. for you. for friendship. for initial insatiable emotional
mental
physical
hunger.

A connection of 2
locked within a mutual gaze
while the world rotates
in it's every day
way.

Feeling your hunger for knowing
meet my hunger for knowing.

Dancing.
Dancing.

Brings that quiet reminder that tumbling this way
is a vacation.
Because
it
cannot be sustained
in
it's
present
form.

As a fire that blazes through slumbering unexpectant wood.
You stumbled into my days.
Laughter
knowing
the
slightest angst of awareness.

gifts.
all of them.

for the memories of what is possible can always be sustained

in the midst
of
rote
everyday
obligation
remind us
of
the
joys
that
can
be
when we dance with unexpected joy.