Saturday, September 27, 2008

Grieving

I'm grieving.
My heart is hurting.
My mind is seeking ways to find what it longs for
right now.

I look outside on a day just a skip
a pulse
away from

October.

Only to see the seething Nevada sun yet beating down on
pavement and rocks long ago
surrendered
to heat unrelenting

I reach into the air
my mind,
heart beats of anticipation
counting on memories of years upon years
expecting the cool, crisp bite of pure September
only to feel a familiar blanket of
flat
predictable heat
beckoning me with it's repulsive, overstayed flirtation

No.

I'm done.
Recoiling back into the forced, artificial cool.
June called. It wants its weather back.
Hoping to blind me with reprieve.
Soothe me with plastic, silkscreened cool laid upon
the truth of
the desert.

No.

The fabric of my youth calls for me
to return.
To grab a sweater and head out the door to
the light autumn air.
promises to whisk me beneath golden canapies
and to titilate me with the song of crunching
leaves
and the laughter of delighted children
burrowing holes in piles of crunchy gold orange yellow red.

My core pleads for days that foreshadow
the stillness of winter
and give
gift upon gift upon gift
of oranges and fading crimson
the scents of spice and pumpkin and ripe glistening apples and pears.

Perhaps like the feeling of one
imprisoned far from the land and customs and surroundings
that they love...
that make them who they are.....

My autumn heart
is jailed
in the blistering
Nevada
sun.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Junior High

twinkling eyes sparkling with daily anticipation
the uncertainty of
what and who and why and how
will happen today

amidst new friends and enemies and adults who claim
to know what they
should
need
can
must
know

a cauldron of fear and excitement and burgeoning courage

how do i know....

who to trust?
who to like?
when to reach?
what to believe?
how to question?
what to do?

Beings not quite grown to fit the size of their skin
the energy of growth and expansion
bursting through in exhuberant expression
decibles beyond comprehension

fill the halls
with glee and pain and questions and pushing and flirting and hiding and moving

feeling their way
into the first chapters of independance

their faces telling so much
the beginnings of voice and confidence
perception
longing
defining
learning who to be

life force clear and unbridled as a
colt finding his legs on a new spring morning field
and in some

the readable sadness of a childhood stolen
windows into a soul too telling

lives beginning
wings unfurling
direction being determined

and me
there
trying to show the way.....

Thursday, September 11, 2008

the doorway

memories encased in significance
in the rooms
of my mind

the doorways to them becoming

further

away from where
i now sit
but still clearly seen.
memories bathed in the thick soupy stillness
of moments that are so hard
to believe
even in hindsight.

I can easily retrieve the memory of that day.

it started out with the same banal regularness
of any other day

The train to work
the crisp bite in the air that comes with a midwestern autumn morning
bagel in hand
coffee from Dunkin Donuts
trapsing amongst commuters.
Elevator up
briefcase
just ready to be dropped on my desk

when there is a new sort of


hush .


in the office
a gaggle of mouths agape
staring at a small 5 inch tv
rabbit ears reaching up
on someone's desk

What?
I asked.

No voices

yet the answer came with looks of horror
pointed back to the screen.

A Plane Hit The World Trade Center

What? How? Why? When? What? What? What? What? How? Why? What?
What? When? What? What? What? How? How? How? Why? What? What?
How? When? Who? Who? Who? Why? What? What? Who? Who? Who? Who?
What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What?

How
is
it
possible
?

I worked in downtown Chicago.
At 8:30 am
it was announced that
we were to evacuate.

The commute, reversed.
yet silenced
there was no banter or laughter or din of conversations about meaningless nothingness.
no hurried pace of morning monotony
but
a quickened gait of confusion
and fear
and the sick ache of knowing that unspeakable horror is happening

right

now.

to
people
just
like
me. and you. and that guy. and her. and.....

Home
after what I experienced as hours
but was actually just minutes
i arrived
again
in my brand new condo.

Workers ripping out baseboard and doors for renovation
dust and
debris
mirroring my mind.

in a bean bag
i sat amidst boards and nails
dust and chaos

and
watched



the



towers



fall.

like a real life
real people
real death
real horror
game of jenga gone bad.

that moment.

.live.

while i stood there in my living room
people hurled
down
stories

smoke
burning gas
melting steel
into a silent pile
of lives
ended.

my emotions
had
no voice .
tears streamed as i sat
aghast
involuntary muted thoughts
in the pain
of all creation
that comes
from the manifestation
of
hate and
judgement and
decision of worth
of
another.

Since that day
life has gone on
just like it always threatens to do
and always does.


sun
moon
days
work
families
aging
illness
shopping
holiday parking lot wars
biased media
code orange
dates
sex
dinners out with friends

and the doorway
behind which the memories rest
gets further away from where i am
right now.

yet i see that doorway


clearly.

encased in the thick
still mist
of memories

like

that

one
.