Thursday, April 09, 2009

And So it IS


is so literal.

So, i'm doing this work.
spiritual work -- i guess

and what i do is claim.

i claim that i am not
do not want to be
am working to avoid

attached to things

i can almost hear 
asking me, "Really?"

"Well, yes. Of course",
I retort (with a dismissive snort).

"Ok then", Life responds.

And, then, I make plans.
I get excited about the architecture of them
and get all giddy with detail in my head

about what will be
and when
and how
and why
and exactly this and that.

Life raises an eyebrow at me.

And I plan and think about 
a time that not only may, but

will come.

And I get all gleeful about it.
And then.
I get sad

thinking about what if
something goes wrong
or keeps it from happening
or rocks my very 
from their ever so carefully orchestrated foundation....


And the now, 
in which I live 

it's ever moving
never moving
as it always has
always will
always does.

Calendar pages flip
digital clocks skip through crimson lit numbers
tick tick tick
of the watch wound to keep track of moments leading up 

away from
getting there
further from

anticipated moments wrapped in 
illusory ribbons
holding what is assumed to be

As I walk toward my lovingly crafted plans
critical elements
begin to fall away
fall apart
out of the illusion that I created
and told myself
so convincingly

was real.

There is no real

except the very moment
the very experience
the very breath
that I am taking right 


And I hear my love,
the Life that created me 
say, "Remember your claim? 
That you accept, You walk into,
You willingly dance with
only that which really is. That you 
allow the fluidity of this very
energy to create the painting
that you see, and that you will love it
with all that you are. 


Life Smiles

and I remember.

And so it is.

Monday, April 06, 2009


I wonder if we all have "alters".
I just finished watching the entire season one of The United States of Tara on Showtime.
First of all, it was amazing, and Toni Collette is brilliant, yet
that isn't what keeps the story on my mind.
The character, Tara, allegedly had a traumatic experience when she was away at boarding school as a teenager, and coped with it by splitting her consciousness into several different personalities.

Though the majority of us don't manage our personal traumas, secrets, shames this dramatically, I wonder if we don't have personalities that help us to cope.
When I was watching the end of the show, I couldn't help but think about all of the judgement that we heap upon ourselves and others in this culture. 
We are expected to live within the lines drawn arbitrarily by religion, politics, and social mores passed down through generations.  We are expected to paint on this face of "ok-ness", and if we can't -- or don't-- we aren't acceptable.

The personalities that Tara developed into could be seen as somewhat cliche, yet, don't we all have them?  There is "T", the sexually aggressive, 16 year old pot smoker who doesn't give a rats ass what boundaries are expected of her; there is Alice, the 1950's kick back who is going to paint on her Better House and Garden's face and cover any adversity with blueberry muffins;and there is Buck, the Vietnam vet, drinking, smoking, tough talking, gun cleaning, punch throwing, fart lighting dude who will stand up to even the slightest disrespect. 
And then, there is the alter that really interests me.  The name given to it is "Gimme", and it is like a child that has been raised away from any culture, full of fear and anger and shame.
Gimme acts out in wild, completely unacceptable ways to protect Tara from herself.  To protect Tara from healing.

Gimme made me think of myself. Not that I am like Gimme. I like to think that my cultural assimilation is one of my more charming qualities.
Yet, there are secret, dark places in me. There are shames that I rarely speak. To my knowledge, they are not things that you would recoil in disgust or judgement over, but tell that to my Gimme.
One of the areas that I have dysfunctionally coped with internal discord is with the addiction to being overweight. I find it fascinating that though I am as well-versed in the methods of how to change this as any consultant on The Biggest Loser, I have not made this change. 
Now, I have lost, and gained the same 30 lbs many times. This tells us that I am, indeed, able to do this thing. And then, just when I feel like progress is within my reach --
And whatever that deep, dark, angry part of me is trying to keep hidden, is protected.

I'll keep working.

Do we all have a Gimme?