I have, as long as I can remember, had an issue with my weight.
Well, since I was 9.
It's the first memory I have related to my body image.
I remember that I was walking with my mom and my dad's father.
Peep was what everyone called him.
Anyway, we were walking in one of the parking lots in the apartment complext that Peep lived in. It was evening and there was a light snow. My mom said that she was cold.
I proudly responded that I was not cold.
To which Peep stated something that, as benign as it was intended, influenced the course of my life.
He said, "That's because you are fat."
It had never occurred to me that I was fat before that. In fact, I don't think I had ever had much awareness of a body image.
But there it was.
A statement of fact that I soaked up like a sponge in warm water.
Truth be told, I wasn't fat. I was an average 9 year old.
That all changed soon.
After my mom died when i was 10, I did indeed begin to put on weight. Not enormous amounts, but noticable. Mom died during 4th grade, and I remember my 5th grade school picture.
Bad bowl haircut. (Could this be where my deep belief that if i'm fat then i have to have long hair came from??)
Since that time, my weight has vascilated between the heavy side of average, and the more socially acceptable side of overweight. With some pushes toward heavier than that.
I have lost between 20-35 lbs several times. The first time I lost 25 lbs in response to grief. I had recently broken up with my longtime boyfriend and (wisely) responded by working out 5 days a week. Once the grief wore off, so did the consistent exercise.
The second time, I lost with the aid of some brand of ephedra. You know. Ma Huang. Since been made illegal in some states. Effective, while giving you the sensation that you just drank Juan Valdez' entire stash. I lost 20 lbs that time.
The third time, I lost 30 lbs doing Atkins. I really liked this way of eating. Amazing what no sugar and lots of cheese can do. Go figure. I felt great, had the support and eating companionship of my boyfriend, and looked pretty good.
The fourth time I lost 35 lbs, doing Weight Watchers. It works. Until you stop doing it. But, that's the case with everything right? Start replacing celery with ding dongs and you're going to get a different result.
Now, at the low metabolic age of 39, I have begun low carbing again. When I think back, I feel like i responded best to this way of eating. However, I began over 3 weeks ago and have not had the dramatic response that I remember.
I began officially on July 5, 2006, and today, on Aug. 1, I have lost 6 lbs. That's not a lot considering the low-carb diet guru's tout that you ought to lose 8-13 lbs in your first 2 weeks.
I have been following the general direction of the Southbeach Diet. Me thinketh, however, that I was eating too many nuts and cream during this time. After the 3 week mark, I decided I should add in a little fruit. I'm up 1 lb since then. Ugh.
I know that I need to think of this as a long term deal. Perhaps the daily weighing is a disservice to myself. So, this will be a year long journey of discovering what works, and where I'll go with it.
I believe that no matter how many times one says that they are changing their thoughts to change their lives, if their lives haven't changed, then neither have their thoughts.
This applies to me well in this situation.
As I work on looking for the best way to fuel and love my body, I will also work on letting go of Peep's words.