Nestling

Just outside of our bedroom window, there is a small hole into the roof of our house. Each spring it has been home to baby birds. We listen to them chirp like crazy when their mother comes in to feed them. 

This morning, when we let the dogs out, there was a little nestling crying a fearful chirp on our patio. The thought of leaving her there to fend off neighborhood cats, or even the reality of abandonment in the heat of the day crushed me. I gently picked her up in a cloth napkin, her fuzzy almost feathers rustling in the early morning breeze and her sunshine yellow beak yawned open hoping for momma's food.

Funny where love can happen.

Eric dragged a stool to the spot where she must have fallen from her nest, and stood, reaching to coax her back into the roof with her siblings. We feared touching her directly and used a wooden spoon to nudge her toward the opening. For many tries, she did not move, the trauma keeping her still.

My mind spun, thinking of what we would do if she could not make it in.
But then,
her tiny foot grasped a wire and she pulled herself in. I lay back in bed holding my breath as I looked out the window, hoping we hadn't disrupted anything beyond repair. A few minutes later, momma alit on a wire outside the nest, a worm in her mouth and in she went.

I breathed again.

People

I'm one of those people. the ones that talk,

reach,

send,

give,

create for
others.

I love other people.

I love their uniqueness

the texture and result of their choices

their voices

what they have to say.

Sometimes, when what they have to say differs

dramatically

from what I have to say...

well, that can be a challenge to appreciate

but in truth -- i do.

People fascinate me.

I love that each factor of our lives,

each choice,

each turn around a different bend

each surprise

each new moment

of

each

new

day creates a new pattern

an altered hue

a change.

I love reaching, and experiencing people.

I can discuss it in a way that makes me sound

altruistic and

painfully generous.

I can do that. Yet, in truth

I wonder if that is indeed the truth.

Not

altogether
I

am

sure.

For reaching and touching and connecting and giving and considering and loving and knowing and talking to and hoping for

others

does a couple of things for me.

One, it enriches me. It provides for me

new texture new shadows new sounds and music new things to consider

new ways to approach.

my.

life.

I love that. More than anything I believe.

People.

weird, sexy, wild, courageous, fearful, learning, wondering, judging, waiting, trembling, heart-filled, musical, conservative, cutting-edge, loving

people.

It does another thing for me as well. The darker side of all of this

people

other

than

me

focused

living.

It keeps me from the silence.

that is solely and completely inside my being
with
no
other
sound
but
my
own.

I know that I can live my life without really being all that concerned with that fact.

But there is a part of me that knows

that spending time in

this place is part of the next....

deeper....

wiser....

experience for me.

for all of us.

Being completely alone for me is not an exercise is fear -- as it is for some.

It is an undertaking of courage.

It is in the silence of me

that my spirit pauses and my mind

trembles.

Certainly my mind.

My mind loves to be busy... reaching, giving, considering, solving. But to send my mind to the still, quiet waters of my own being? With nothing to distract? Well..... you're asking
quite
a
lot.
So, I look at the yin and the yang, the up and the down, the soft and the hard, the you and the me of my life. and when I do
I long
to know
both.
To embrace the texture and the sound and the noise and the problems and the solutions and the music and the dance and the interaction of
others.
And, entwined with the patterns that live outside of the edges of my own mind
to know intimately.... my own, still silence.
Where i suspect
joys
and
secrets
reside.

Drop

in my life

i trust

that

the ongoing

gift.

the waterfall

of

friends

will continue.

drop.

by.

drop.

i trust

that

life

will honor

my request

for the next person

who will

open

my

eyes

and

bring joy

to my mind.

More colors

to the palate

of my experience.

thank you for being

a reminder.

and a new drop

of

color.

Heavy

I have a hard time when people don't love me.

It hurts when people don't want me

around them

in their lives.

I have a friend... Well, I had a friend.

Over some time, she was collecting complaints. Valid, I am certain.

She did not express them.

She did not choose

to have a hard conversation

with

me.

Instead, her complaints got very heavy.

Too heavy, too dense, too dark.

The bag that she kept them in became very heavy

and she couldn't see me any more.

Or, the me she saw through heavy, complaint laden eyes

didn't look like someone she wanted to be friends with anymore.

I have tried to open the door,

to say I'm sorry,

to own my actions and choices,

to ask forgiveness.

No.

Done.

Over.

It is a hard choice for me to understand.

Yet, it is her choice.

And because it is hard for me

I know that

there is much for me to learn.

That my worth is not tied to another's perception of me.

Stone

Time is beginning to stretch a bit, as I feel myself reaching

with one leg

from one stone to another, suspended above moving water.

Tempted to feel fear as I prepare to

change

again.

I have been on this stone for a little while

I remember when I first stepped on it.

All was new

and unknown

my mind a wide-eyed infant in a new place.

Learning to be me far away from my loves.

I have just a little bit longer on it.

To cherish those whom I have come to love.

To enjoy that which I have come to desire.

Friends

"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~ Aristotle

What exists between you and me
is the only thing like that
that exists
in all of creation.
There is the thing that is you
and the thing that is me

and there is then
the thing that exists between
made of the stuff of you and
the stuff of me.

like paints mixing on a palette
like lemon juice mixed into sugar water
like salt and pepper in a bowl together
like harmonies

forever entwined
having become something all it's own

between us.
It could and can and will
never
exist anywhere
between any other someones
ever
again.

What exists between you and me, friend,
is a thing

a living, breathing, dancing, speaking, loving, laughing, learning, being
something.

When we became friends, you and I,
life breathed into that brand new something

like air into a balloon

and it began to                             float

          and dance on the breeze

and bounce on the ground              along          a     path        in    Central    Park

and hide behind
                             cars

and tie to the branch of a high, high tree.

It became a something
that will always be.

Change has happened.

Change has happened.

That's almost funny to express. As...
When does change not happen?

Every moment in every place from Utah to the farthest reaches of the least known universe

Change is happening
now
always

without cease.


Change has happened in me.
In my world.
Change that challenges my deepest resistances.
My oldest fears.
My weakest link.
My most tender place.
Change, again, has come
to remind me that it always will.

It is not change that you can see
from where you are.
From where you sit, you see nothing different.
My body, my home, my family, my work.  Same.

Except
change has happened.
It's not change that I will explain
or describe
or divulge

but change indeed has come
in a dose that has raised my hackles and demands my attention and requires that I stand up and take notice of just what I had failed to see.

Change has happened.

Stephen Hawking said, "Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change."
Isn't it though.
Whether that change is the loss of the musculature, or the loss of a parent, or the end of an education, or the corruption of something trusted, or the leaving of a place, or the end of a faith.

It is the ability to face what is so
and build
rather than sink

to create
rather than be blinded

to observe
rather than be victimized.


Intelligence.  No one said it would be easy.


Change has happened

and I sometimes question my own intelligence.
One moment
brilliance and light.
The next
abject ignorance and the temper tantrum of a wild, flailing child in the darkness.

Change begins the very moment any thing comes into existence,
you see.
Even the things you stand on now, with the confidence of Caesar.
You raise your hands and expose your heart knowing that those things are yours, beyond any threat,
and always will be.
As you stamp your foot on the solidity of your

love
family
money
house
friends
job
health
expectations of others
faith
joy
stories

the cracks of change have begun.

Change has happened.

Exists.

Gonna try to hold my breath this week

and let the sand settle to the ground.

But just want you to know, that 

just like you, just like you can,

I can feel the most foundational feelings.

and that makes me feel better.

because no matter what.... you can't hide that from me.

No matter what words are used

and ideas are presented

and rules are garnered

and limits are set

what exists, exists, exists, exists.

Thank goodness.

Cuz' that will give me the courage

to 

wait,

and love you for where you are

and what you need

and who you love

right now.

forever

is bigger than

this.

Here's to you and 

all you hold dear.

Now.

and forever.

Forever.

Love.

How can something be so perfect and so big and so amazing
and
so painful and so lonely and so frustrating
yet
so wonderful and so needed and so everything
but
so hurtful and so misunderstood and so heartbreaking
?

Love.

How can something seem so permanent and so forever
and yet
be yanked away and leave a hole the size of Texas
but still
leave an imprint on top of the emptiness
that lets you
know that
the love really can't go anywhere?

Love.
It's forever.
Joy. Pain. Breath. Angst. Depth. More. Questions. Confusion. Precious Everything.

I
will
love
you
forever.

Love.